the forbidden road

ph: Stefany Alves

You may have my heart and my soul. You may control my actions and my words. Have it all, but you will never hear my deepest thoughts about the one you took away from me:

I will never have him again. He awaits me at the end of the forbidden road. The road I am too afraid to go down because you will leave me. Of course, there is a chance something better may lie at the end, but so far, I have not taken that chance. Instead, I relive the memories of our most joyous times.

I remember that night I wanted him so bad. I was possessed by this desire. I refused to go back until our lips locked. As he leaned against the little post on the sidewalk, they finally did. Curiously, the moment our lips touched, I began to cry. I had told him they were happy tears, but they were in fact tears of fear. Fear that I had just kissed him, while you were still in the picture. Occasionally, I convince myself that my boa constrictor-like pursuit was the reason I got what I wanted that night. But the truth is, he wanted me as badly as I wanted him. It was real.

Then I remember the day we sneaked off together. We walked a little and finally stopped at a gelato place. As we sat down, his leg was jumping up and down. It always did that and he always told me it was because he was nervous. Everything was always so natural between us though. Nevertheless, I was flattered by his bouncing leg.

One night we went to dinner with a few close acquaintances of ours. They were blind to our connection. At least, they were supposed to be. He never let go of me that night. His hand was on my leg under the table, or our legs intertwined the whole time. I wore brown leggings, polka dot flats, a jean skirt, a beige shirt and a grey jacket. My hair was down. He wore a black collared shirt and jeans. Again, we went for gelato after.

I remember one last thing about that week. But it doesn’t make me smile like the previous memories. We were lying on his bed. I was crying while he held me. I promised him I would leave you so the two of us could be together. I said these words without meaning them. My heart’s course had been blurred. All along, I knew that me and him, and our sole kiss were to be a secret. It was an escape for me, but it was everything to him

But he went and called you. He told you everything, and from that moment on, nothing has ever been the same. You have forbidden him from me. I was never angry with him for doing that. He was scared because I was slipping and disappearing into you again, the same way I always do. He was scared. He should never have believed me.

I can never have him again.

I can never have my best friend.

I regret that kiss.

Do you?