too late

ph: Alex Grazioli

Why? This is a word I have sent out into the cosmic void in the past year since I met you. I lived differently then. I lived happily, my life was beautiful and divine and complete. I did not know loneliness. I never cried, I never felt sad. I loved my husband only. I only had thoughts of him. Then I met you.

If I would have known that I would fall so deeply in love with you I would have never interviewed you for the job. I am 14 years older than you and I’m your boss. This is never going to work, that is crystal clear and deeply painful.

You asked me why you never see me at work. Really? You don’t get that I avoid you deliberately? I wanted to scream at you: “ Do you know what it’s like to want someone who is so close and not be able to touch them. Not be able to kiss them, not be able to make love to them when every inch of your being desires nothing more?” When I was younger I waited for a man like you. Strong and unafraid. Now I am just heartbroken and confused. Why did this happen? Where have you been?

So, please, don’t stand so close to me and try to avoid me. It’s just easier that way. Unless it’s about work and your immediate supervisor can’t help you, don’t speak to me. Running into you on Friday was so hard and unexpected. I trying to be cool and business like, but I saw it. I saw the look in your eye when we were talking, it was but for a moment but the look said, I feel it too. My heart leapt. I just walked away saying to myself: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

I wish for so many things, but never that I would not have met you. You are beautiful and funny and great; but you’re 14 years too late.

Nina