what if

ph: yyellowbird // Cari Ann Wayman

You are kind of my summer romance. Except my love for you lasted.

Our story begun several years ago. I was only a child, but I remember everything. The first time I saw you, something inside of me lit up. We used to go to the same swimming school in summer. We spent day after day in the same place. I felt your presence, I felt your looks. I know we had something. But I only spoke to you on rare occasions. I was too afraid. I hadn’t met anyone like you. I had never seen eyes as intense as yours. One look into them and my whole universe started trembling. But days passed, and soon the summer was over. Back to reality. My summer dream was over.

This went on for a couple of years. I was so afraid. Couldn’t find the courage to talk to you (God knows how much I wanted to!) and it seemed you slipped away. Only, after one summer I knew I would see you every day. That feeling was amazing, but terrifying. New school, new people, expectations. And you. There you were, among all the other students. My heart stopped every time I saw you the first months. And the months after that, and... well, it never actually stopped stopping. And I was so afraid. I remember one time you said “Hello” to me in the school corridor when your friends were around. I didn’t say anything back. My God, why didn’t I say anything back? I heard your friends laughing at you and all I wanted to do was to run back to you, into your arms. I could’ve stayed there forever.

Our time was the summer. We met at a summer party once. I got my first kiss that night. I spent every minute of that evening in your arms. I had the time of my life. You told me you’d loved me from the very beginning. Our love was so intense that night. People told us to get a room, and we almost did (you offered me the backseat of a car). But I thought too much. What would my life look like if I had just got in that car with you? Would it have changed everything? Well I didn’t. But we still spent the whole evening together. The feeling of your body next to mine was heavenly. My God,that body. Nothing can ever change that. When it was time to head home, we shared a seat in the bus. You told me (and your friends) that I was the one. You hoped it would last forever. Me too, dear, me too.

The day after I saw you. I said “Hello”. You did, too. But I was too afraid to talk to you. It was like nothing had happened the night before. At the next party the same thing happened. Only that time you hugged all my friends and tried to kiss a few of them. You had drunk too much, but I still stayed by your side. I was in love.

That summer we saw each other a few times. Everybody could see I was in love. Everybody, but you – apparently. I even texted you once, but you never answered. You started spending more and more time with other girls and I soon had to face reality. You would never love me the way I had loved you for years. But you never lost the place in my heart. You were always special. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget you.

It’s probably my own fault. I probably seemed cold and uninterested to you. But that wasn’t the case. All the times I didn’t look you in the eyes, all the times I could have spoken to you. All the moments we could have had together. I’ve lost. Now I’ve found a substitute for you, a man who truly loves me. And I love him. And your far away. Who knows if you’ll ever return. I shouldn’t even care. But I do. What if?


-D