i don't know why

ph: Burçin Esin

I formally met him about a year ago. He is friends with my close group of friends and we always hung out around each other. At a party, we instantly clicked and realized we had so much in common. He had that strange charm and the ability to always make me smile and laugh every time I see him. He flirted with me and tried to get my attention any chance he could get. My friends saw it and his did too. This summer when my parents went out of town, our group of friends came to my house every night. And he came too. My stomach developed the biggest mix of emotions when I was around him and I couldn’t think straight. He had this strange ability to make me forget about everything but him. He would text me things only I would understand, we had so many inside jokes and mutual interests that I thought things could be perfect. But the most inviting thing about him is the way he could make me laugh harder than anyone ever has.

I didn’t care what anyone thought about me but him. During one of these summer days with our group of friends, we were talking alone when I told him all of my deepest feelings about him and my fears of him not wanting me back. But, he said he wanted me too and that he wasn’t interested in anyone else. Even when I asked him about his recent fling, he said there was no connection with her anymore. His relationship with her still scared me though and when he texted me to come to a party the next night in a group text that included her as a recipient, I felt awkward and empty. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to that party and saw pictures of him and her cuddling and acting romantic. This hurt. A lot. I went on vacation with my family the next day for a two week trip. Over the course of the next couple days, I noticed that he was “in a relationship” on Facebook with this girl, whom I was so concerned about. This hurt too, but this time- even more.

I have never felt so empty in my life and lonely than the days that followed. He lied to me, but I wasn’t mad at him. I was just sad. The night I got back from my trip, I saw him at a party and there was tension between us but he said hi like everything was normal, but things were not the same. It is now almost 7 months since the day I told him my true feelings for him, and he has been dating his girlfriend for 6 months. She is in my class and a constant reminder of my lust for him.

The reason I am writing this now is because I ran into him yesterday. He seemed good- happy. He called my name from a few feet away and went in for a hug. I hugged him back but it hurt me so bad to know that he is happy with someone else, and I am just here. There is no other way to describe the feeling other than a void in your chest. Something that was somewhat filled before and it remains empty now.

I hope this pain goes away, with time it has weakened but I can still feel the flutter in my chest each time I see him. All I want is to talk to him about his reasoning behind the lies and the ingenuity—if that's what it even was. Who knows. To this day, I tell myself that I should be mad at him, that he lied and fooled me, but I just can’t bring myself to be mad. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss our memories. I miss you. And I don't know why.