i'm going to help him

ph: rags_and_feathers

Sometimes, I wish for change. Sometimes I wish that men would be nicer and that women could make up their minds about what they what once in a while. Sometimes I wish that he will come back to me and love me again. Most times I don’t. Wish for that, I mean. Because I know now that I miss something that no longer exists. Something that disappeared a few months back and that probably won’t find it’s way back anytime soon. Other people have started to notice too. Asked me about it. Come to me with their questions hoping that I have answers. Most time I don’t. He is gone, lost. I saw him the other day and his smile was broken. Not literally speaking of course, he doesn’t get into fights or anything, he’s not like that. At least he wasn’t before. It was his smile that gave him away. The smile that I had studied for almost two years and knew by heart had changed into a grim smile. Suddenly it starting calling out for help. For someone to help him find his way back to that loving, young boy that he once was. But he is taken now. By other things. Better things, according to him. Worse things, according to everybody else. It all depends on who you ask. His smile has barriers now. Teeth that are not afraid to bite back anymore. His spine has become straighter. His eyes, glowing. And not in that good way but it that bad way that every girl or boy has seen at least once in their lives and that makes them just want to crawl out of their skin and creep up into somebody elses. I don’t know what happened. Most times I don’t. Think I what to know, that is. It just makes me sad to see how the one person that came closer to me than anybody ever has needs help so badly and won’t allow anybody to help him. He won’t even help himself. I know him by heart. I can see his skin starting to peel back and show the virus spreading in his veins. I can see his heart beating in that jagged way as if to say that he no longer wants me to love him anymore. His facial expression when I told him that this was the last time that we were going to see each other for a while the first truth I had seen in months. His guard went down. Lowered itself for a fraction of a second and before I could grasp that second it was gone and his guard went higher. Higher than ever. And that was when I knew. I am going to help him. Because he is the one. He is my soulmate. He is my everything. And I owe it to him. I owe it to us. It is better to have tried and failed than to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I actually got through to him and helped him find his way back. To me. To him. To life. To us.

- E, to her long lost love.