i wasn't brave enough

ph: Jennifer Cox

I met you 2007. Who would have known that it was going to be that random incident that would send me into the wildest rollercoaster ride of my life.

I saw you from across the room and I was immediately drawn to you. I knew that I had to meet you...so I came up to you and your friend. The night dragged on and we were even supposed to finish that bottle of red at your place. We eventually exchanged numbers and a few messages were exchanged after that. It was always like that with you...there were those little surprises. I remember a time you texted me about how you saw me as walked down the street...I remember that made me giggle like a little girl. Then there was that time you helped me with that huge container of water I was unloading from the car. There were those times I would text you to drag you out of your "shoebox", you used to call your place that, just so you could keep me company while I waited for my brother. I remember you'd be watching Lord of the Rings at home cause you weren't watching regular tv then. We'd just sit out on the curb and have cigarettes and a Coke. You even accompanied me to the corner to get a cab a couple of times. Those times we were out on your street we would talk about everything. You always made me laugh and you always gave me sound advice.

Then the next thing I know I am waking up next to you and the first thing you say is "I love you." I still don't know if I was hallucinating that early morning...it was the day of Christmas eve after all and I was still feeling heady from everything that happened. I woke up bewildered and giddy...but I knew I did something wrong. I said something the night before that I would regret.

Then I started seeing you more often. No more clandestine meetings on the sidewalk. Sometimes you'd come to the shop & I liked that a lot. You'd come in with your backpack, sometimes with a little scowl on your face and I'd make you your coffee. I always liked making you your coffee. We'd sit in the shop and you'd show me what you were working on. You'd just be there in your own little spot if I were busy and I'd run to you any free minute I had. We talked some more. Then I'd come home to you...slowly creeping into bed just so I could hug you from behind and feel your warm body against mine. Sometimes I'd make a racket when I got home and you'd wake up all grumpy with a closed fist aimed at me. Then in the morning we'd have coffee and talk while I hugged your right leg which was on my lap. Then you'd get ready for work while I took my time. I stayed at your place so often that it feels like home.

You took care of me when I was sick. You bathed me. You hugged me as I slept. You rubbed my ankle when I twisted it. You cuddled me when I was awake. You'd rub my feet to keep me warm. Pat my back when my tummy was painful. You saved me from depression. You held my hand when I was scared and told me to be strong when I was weak. You fed me with your fingers. You hugged me from behind as I prepared our food or coffee. You held me when I cried.

Things weren't always happy though. There were a lot of lies, a lot of sex with a bunch of other women. When I grew weary of your lying & sleeping around I ended up having my own lies too.

We should have talked about our plans. Fooling around should never been an option. Lying should never have been so common. Our lies hurt each other so much.

Then after over a year of seeing each other, you asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to be a Mom and take care of our kids. I wanted to be a wife to someone who wanted me as a wife...I wanted to be your wife. You never told me your plans about us. You never seemed like you wanted to change...

So I was in a rush and you weren't saying anything and you were still enjoying the whole fucking around thing. So I said Yes to someone else. Then you tell me that I am the only one you want in your life.

But I was scared and played it safe. I didn't back out. I made a mistake and I will live the rest of my life living in that mistake. I was never brave. I was never much. Now I am nothing,

I am sorry I wasn't brave enough. You deserve so much better.

I am going to miss you with every heartbeat.

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