i can never tell you this

ph: Just John

This is not an ordinary love story; in fact it’s just a story about a different love. I need to share this with someone, because it’s very close to my heart, and something the people around me wouldn’t understand.

We met each other in the middle of the world. We came from two different parts of the world, and we were literally each other’s contradictions. You, with your gorgeous dark hair and cute Spanish accent, and me with my snow-white skin and blue eyes. The first time I saw you, you fascinated me. It was your positivity and the way you saw life as one big opportunity. You were older than me, but yet we were on the same wavelength. We were both far away from home; living in a foreign country, struggling with a new language and having the adventure of our lives.

As I got to know you, we turned out to be the same. We liked the same music, read the same blogs, quoted the same movies and I felt like I could finally be myself with someone. We would be together every day, and have long conversations at night. We would go shopping and spent hours in book shops just looking at books and talking. At parties you would always be my date and make sure that I got home safe. Even when some guys were being unpleasant around me, you would protect me and make it all good again. You told me how beautiful and perfect I was, and your adorable smile would always cheer me up.

When life got difficult, we would be there for each other, and it would all be alright. We would go out for coffee and make fun of our terrible Italian, and somehow we always managed. We went traveling together and you showed me the world. I found myself thinking about life and the future, something that had never crossed my mind before.

I realized that I cared a lot for you, more than I originally had planned. I have never laughed as much as I did with you. You made me feel like something special and I was proud to be with you. People around us would ask a billion questions and tell us, that we were a cute couple. I would just laugh and tell them, that we were just really close. After Christmas you started behaving differently. You told me that we had to talk about something important, but unfortunately I got seriously sick, so I didn’t see you for a long time. One evening we finally got together in a park and we sat down. You told me, that you had wanted to tell me something for a long time, but we haven’t had the time. I don’t know what I had expected, but it came as a huge surprise, when you told me that you were homosexual. I was happy for you though and we talked a lot about it. It made us even closer and I supported you with all my heart; nothing had changed between us.

It wasn’t until one night, when I was talking to a friend, that I had some kind of revelation. My friend turned to me and said. “You know, he loves you very much, we can all see it”. And then it hit me. I loved him too, but not just as my best friend. I loved him so much more and there was no way something could ever happen between the two of us. I hadn’t realized it before, but now it was obvious. I didn’t say anything to her; I just smiled and changed the subject. I can never tell you this, mostly because I’m afraid of losing you. I don’t believe in soul mates, but I believe that you and I were determined to meet. You are the most amazing guy I have ever met and you will always mean the world to me.

Yours always

-L