still learning

ph: Laura Zalenga

Its something new everyday. Some stupid, little, petty, senseless fight. Ive been dealing with it for 2 years now. I ask myself why? Why do i put up with it? Why do i settle? why make myself unhappy, so he can be happy? The only thing i can come up with is, love. But then i ask myself again. Why? Why do you love him? Why do you care for him? The only thing i can come up with is, because i just do. Well thats not good enough. There should be atleast one point that sticks out in your head to why you love someone. Is it because hes my first boyfriend? The first boy that i actually cared about, and say those 3 words to? Is it because i am more than comfortable to be myself around him? Thats what i think it is. Being in my comfort zone. But why? Im a strong girl that shouldnt be afraid to step out and be free once again. Thats when i go back to, No Its because I love him. BUT WHY?! Whats there to love? He puts you down. He belittles you beyond belief sometimes. He tries to control your EVERY move. Picks fights everyday. He shouldnt throw foul language at you like its his job. Thats NOT what love is. Love should make you feel happy and blessed that you found someone like your partner. Not miserable, and angry. You should feel proud to bring him around your friends and show him off. Not just stay in the house. He should bring you gifts and surprise you with your favorite candy and flowers once in a while. Not threaten to break the relationship up. Ive been on this road too many times. I should have more pride and self respect to not be treated this way. I know i can do better, i know i can get better. I know i deserve better after all the shit ive been through my entire life. Maybe somehow and someway my brain is trying to convince me that i love him, and that im happy with him. But the thing is, in some twisted way, I AM happy to be with him. Cause when im not with him, im miserable. But wait, im miserable already in the relationship. I dont know, im confused… This is only my first “love.” Im only 18. I see all the problems wrong with this relationship. I see what needs to be fixed. Now its time to just deal with the fact that, none of it is going to be fixed, and he wont change, because hes a stubborn dick! I just have to be wise and tell myself that, this is just a lesson to be learned for what i dont want in my life. I need to be thick solid on the decision. But im still learning how to do that. Maybe thats why im still in this relationship, cause im STILL LEARNING.