read between the lines

ph: via weheartit

“I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You’ve think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you.”

I’ll admit what I’m about to post is pretty embarrassing, but like I’ve said this is my own blog, I’m not holding on back on what I write in it and I shouldn’t be ashamed to do so, just in knowing others may read it. In fact, good. Good that others may read it because maybe you know what I’m going through or maybe you don’t, but either way here we go.

I am spoiled when it comes to guys. I am spoiled because the first guy I ever dated was one of those truly attractive and unattainable types. And then guess what, he liked me too. We dated. We ended. We were friends. Then the first guy I ever fell in love with was completely unattainable, more so than the last. This guy was well-known, and popular, and smart, and funny, and a lot of girls were after him. And guess what, he liked me too. We dated, we fell in love, we broke each other’s hearts. This pattern of falling for guys and having them fall for me too made me spoiled going into college. Winning a guy over in college is not the same as it may have been in high school. All college guys think about is sex and partying. Well, the majority of them anyway. I got a reality smack when I really fell for this guy my sophomore year. He knew it. His friends knew it. He used it against me on several occasions. I spent a lot of time and emotion on a complete idiot who had I wound up being with, I doubt I would have been very happy. So I chose to move on because honestly what else could I do? It was obvious that the feelings were not returned so rather than continue to make a bumbling fool of myself, I swallowed my pride and erased him from my world. Which to no ones surprise, he had absolutely no reaction to. Then a couple months later, he had a girlfriend. And to be honest, that sort of crushed me. It wasn’t the relationship he didn’t want, it was me.

I wouldn’t exactly go around saying I am extremely confident but when I saw that he had actually committed to someone and is still with them today, it was a definite blow to my self-esteem. What was wrong with me? Am I unattractive, was I too smothering or obnoxious? Was something off about my personality? Do I care too much? I hated feeling that way. I don’t like people getting the best of me and making me doubt myself because I like who I am. I am secure with who I am and when I have to question that- I find it disgusting and humiliating. So anyway … college continues and I’ve come to accept the fact that guys are just guys here. Friends, or people I’ve partied with- but no one worth getting myself all upset over again should I get rejected after making subtle hints that I’m interested in being more than friends. I was doing good with this theory for awhile. I took the Fall Semester off last year to clear a few things up with myself and life at home and came back for the Spring. I lived in an apartment with my two best friends and had a lot of wonderful memories. The last week of school we went to a local bar for a friends birthday where pretty much my iron-clad rule of not falling for anyone else while I was in school turned to shit in a matter of seconds.

When I notice a guy, the first thing I always notice are his eyes. And this guy- sheesh, was I screwed. I’d seen a him couple times around the bar that night but didn’t exactly have the guts to go up and say anything to him so I accepted that he was one of those very attractive guys I’d see once in my life and then never see again. Low and behold, as the bar lights came on and the music dwindled down, and drunk college kids staggered their way out the doors into the streets, I notice a guy friend of mine I came with talking to this exact kid. My stomach sank. No way. No way they know each other. Sure enough, the kid looks right over to where I’m standing and we make eye contact. Yup, screwed. Since then the only occasions I’ve seen him at are ones where alcohol is involved and any attempt to see him has always been made by me contacting him first. I’ve heard from both him and his friends he is bad at answering text messages. But I am sadly a child born into a world of technological communication, so not answering texts is a big thing with me, silly as that may sound. And now I find myself in the same dumb situation. Liking someone who doesn’t seem to hold the same amount of interest. He knows it, his friends know it. I hate it.

I don’t like being told by my friends to move on, either. I don’t want to move on because why? I’m spoiled. I’m spoiled and I’m stupid. Because I always think I’m an exception. I think I’m the one that can change them and then maybe someday he’ll like me too. But I am not an exception, just because I want to be. And it hurts saying out loud that he doesn’t like me back- but that doesn’t make it any less true. Discouragement has definitely become a recurring factor in my life. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again- what’s the point? What is the freakin point of falling for people who are not going to fall for us back? Why are we even allowed to have emotions like this? It’s stupid, and hurtful, and a waste of time. And all I can keep saying to myself is that’s it part of some bigger picture or lesson I haven’t discovered yet. That maybe someday down the road all of this bullshit is going to make sense and I’m gonna look back on these times, and say Oh Okay… I get it now.

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment… you never gave up hope.”

- via Quills + Quotations