I will never understand what happened between us

ph: Adriano Sodré via The Luxury Spot

It really all started the first time we ever hungout. It was awkward, and we didn't really know how to act around each other. Until you kissed me. My entire world turned upside down, and I swear I knew I loved you the second your lips touched mine. I've never felt a kiss like that before, and even 4 years later, nothing has compared to that kiss. I waited for you for almost a year; you put me through hell not being able to make up your mind, leading me on and shutting me out. But I still waited for you. There was something about you, and I knew I would do literally anything to have you. And finally, on April 27th, 2009, you were mine. You asked me to be your girlfriend, and I was happier than I had ever been. The first few months of our relationship were absolutely perfect. We spent all of our time together, took each others' virginities, and fell in love with each other pretty hard. We were THAT couple that everyone envied. You treated me like a princess, and we were so happy together. Then things started to go downhill for the first time.

You told me we fought all the time (which we didn't), and we were on the phone for 3 hours, trying to talk things out. And then you said those words: "I think we should see other people." I completely lost it. I cried all night, and even woke my mom up in the middle of the night to comfort me. We talked a little the next day, and he said he needed some time to think about it. I was so miserable. I couldn't go anywhere without crying. I really felt as though my life was over. We were apart only a few days, when you came back to me and said how much you wanted to be with me. I was so relieved. I really thought this was just a small rut in our relationship, and everything would be okay. And it was, for a while.

Our relationship continued going great. We spent all of our free time together, texted each other constantly, went on cute dates, and grew closer as a couple. I loved showing you off whenever we went out, and everything just seemed like it would be okay when I looked in your eyes. We had a few rough patches, but what relationship doesn't? For our one year anniversary, my parents were out of town for the week, and you came to my house every night and spent an amazing 7 days with me. Even to this day, I have never been as happy as I was during that week. You came to my school with a dozen red roses and hungout with me on my break. Then you came back with me to my house. You made me my favorite dinner, we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, and you went into my room and covered it in candles. It was so beautiful. We made love and fell asleep holding each other. It was the greatest one year anniversary present I could have asked for. You made me feel so special, and I'll never forget the way you made me feel that day.

The next few months things weren't very good. It seemed like we fought more often, and agreed on things less. The stress of school and everything else in your life really started eating you alive. Until one day, while I was at work, you started saying that you wanted to go to a 4 year college, potentially out of state, and that I couldn't handle it. You said you looked at your future and didn't see me in it. You told me you "loved me but you weren't in love with me". And you broke up with me for a second time. Via text message. Again, I was a complete wreck. I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was in so much pain all the time. I lost weight, I started drinking and smoking all the time. I completely lost a grip on myself. I tried to talk to you. You would either ignore me or be a complete asshole. All I wanted was closure, to meet in person and tell me what happened. And you wouldn't give me that. I had to force myself on you pretty much to get you to talk to me. We met up one night and nothing really got accomplished. You told me certain people told him I wasn't right for him, and you started to believe them. After that, we totally didn't talk at all for 4 days. Then you texted me, and we started talking and agreed to be friends. I invited you to a party I was going to, and we both got pretty drunk and ended up sleeping together that night. After that, things started getting weird. Even though we were broken up, we still spent a lot of time together. Hanging out, going out to lunch, and even though it wasn't helping the situation, still sleeping together. I found that you were a lot nicer to me as just friends than when we were dating. It was hard only being friends with you, but I needed you in my life.

We were broken up for about a month. Until one day, I was hanging out with this boy Jon, who I started to have feelings for. You were texting me all day, and you knew I was at Jon's house. I thought it was weird that you were texting me so much. Anyway, Jon and I kissed, and I really thought something great could turn out with me and him. You asked me if we had a thing, and I said I didn't know. And then you asked if you could call me. I thought that was completely weird, because you hadn't called me since we were dating. So I called you, and you started crying, saying how much you wanted me back, and that you loved me. I told you I didn't know what to say. I was completely speechless. The next day, I asked if we could get together and talk. So we did, and you made me all these promises that you would change. That you wouldn't ignore me when you were mad, or hangout with girls who tried to ruin our relationship, or just stop being an asshole in general. You told me you would do anything to get me back. And I gave in. We got back together, and everything was so great for a few months. He even bought us promise rings for my birthday to prove we would love each other forever. We never took them off, and were planning on getting an apartment together at the end of the summer.

About 2 months ago, I noticed things starting to change. I had to basically force you to hangout with me, you would ignore my texts all the time, you would pick fights with me about everything, you wouldn't text me back when I said I loved you if you were mad at me, you were irritable towards me and everyone else in your family. I confronted you several times about it, and you kept saying you would stop being a douchebag. But you never did. Things only got worse. Then you started doing the play at school, and that's when things reaaally started to change. You seemed to put that before me, and I said that it seemed like you loved the play more than you loved me. Then you lost your promise ring. I understood it was an accident, but it was so careless for something that was supposedly so important to you. You didn't even seem upset about it, and didn't even put in much of an effort to find it. I decided that enough was enough. You didn't seem like I made you happy anymore. So I wrote you a 5 page letter addressing everything you did that hurt me, everything that I loved about you, and then finally, saying that we need to take a break. I said that you need to figure out how important I am in your life. You said you would take some time to think about everything I said, and you would talk to me after.

A day later, you wanted to meet me. We met at a park near your house, and you broke up with me for good this time. You said that things just weren't working, and that things were going to get worse and you didn't want to deal with them. You said things that I did that you couldn't stand, and basically blamed the relationship not working because of me. I drove home and cried all night. I talked to his mom, who was crying in disbelief. We were really close, and she just couldn't believe this was happening. You told me that we couldn't be friends for a while, or talk to each other at all. You would just be a jerk about everything whenever I tried to talk to you. Five days after we broke up, I saw pictures of you and another girl at Winter Carnival together, smiling with your arms around each other. This killed me. Then, on your birthday a few days later, you blocked me from Facebook and changed your relationship status. A week and one day after you broke up with me, you started dating another girl. I was so angry. And you were so mean about it.

It's been about a month since we broke up, and you still refuse to talk to me or consider being friends. You are still with your girlfriend, and you seem really happy. I wish I knew what happened, we were so in love. You were the reason our relationship fell apart, because you let it. It's been easy being without you, because I know it's for the best. But I still miss you. And I will always love you, but I will never understand what happened between us.