ph: Lisa Smit + Leonard John Matthews

O troubled heart, there is a home,
Beyond the reach of toil and care;
A home where changes never come;
Who would not fain be resting there?
Wait, meekly wait, and murmur not.
- W.H. Bellamy

ph: Dezdemonas

It used to be easier.

In Austen's day, the most eligible men were the ones with money. A comfortable lifestyle was more desirable than love. Read Pride and Prejudice... Love didn't concur all, and when love disappointed marriage was made to the next available suitor, with love blossoming in time.

Our grandparents made it work. They married their high school sweethearts, their first loves. They didn't have any emotional baggage, they lived in a time where divorce was frowned upon and they had different morals instilled in them - when they committed for life, they meant it. Maybe they weren't always the best matches, maybe they missed out on greater happiness, but if they ever thought that way, they didn't act on it.

Then comes our parents.
Where divorce is prevalent.
Where the majority of us are from broken homes,
Where those of us with happily married parents are the exception,
Where we have step parents,
Ex step parents,
Our parent's girlfriends or boyfriends,
Our parent's same sex life partners,
Our parent's secret other families that they've hidden from us for years ...
Our parents seem to have had children, hit rough patches and fallen apart. They entered a time where there was more choice and less pressure and their ideas of forever disappeared.

So what can be expected of us? We've grown up in an environment where divorce is normal. Marriage vows have changed from "til death do us part" to "as long as our love shall last". And that's for the ones that make it to the vows... these days it seems that getting engaged isn't even a true commitment, girls rack up engagements like credit card debt.

We seem to suffer a fear of commitment these days... even signing up for a term contract to the gym or a phone company we need to hear the ways we can get out of it early to reassure us before we enter.
We enter relationships and start to think about the reasons it will end before it's even started.
We enter relationships we know will never work out, simply because they are enjoyable.
It seems we're on the look out for the next best thing,
We think marrying young is stupid, yet we look at older singles and think they'll die alone.
We know what we want, until it's presented to us and then we change our minds.
We've been given all these expectations of what love should be like and when it's different we give up.
We have too many options, too many expectations, too much history, too little perception about what is really valuable.
We're screwed up.

What is going to happen to our children?

The next time we are tempted to take credit for the blessings we enjoy, let’s pause and remember that it is the Lord who brings blessing. — Albert Lee

ph: stefanyalves + mydearvalentin

Our satisfaction and peace should be hinged on our precious relationship and walk with God; never on mundane, fleeting things of this world. - Olufunso Joseph Omidiran

ph: .littlegirlblue

I miss love. I miss someone to share the little space that’s left in my bed. I miss the handholding, the foot-flirting, the smiles and the laughter and all those little things. Making those phone calls in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t fall asleep knowing you were angry at me. Texting you from half a world away just to ask how you felt today. Typing emails asking about your day because we wouldn’t be seeing each other for another week. Having meaningless conversations in bed way to late at night to make any sense out of anything at all. All those things that I took for granted but missed once they were gone. I was too angry. Too depressed. Too sick of life to understand that life wasn’t what was getting in the way all that time. It was me. Walking blindfolded through life and only seeing the dark places. You used to try and light them up for me but I keep switching that light off consistently. The dark somehow seemed safer, because if I only expected the worst then I would never have to be disappointed when the outcome was nothing more than that. All the good stuff that happened would just be a bonus. But that it no way to live, apparently.

Time dragged on and I kept at my depressing ways. Sending messages every day to you about how much I hated my life and that today would be the day that I finally killed myself. When I look back at it now I am surprised at long he stuck by me through all of that. But then again, aren’t people who love you supposed be there “through thick and thin – sickness and in health”? Then all of a sudden it was over and I didn’t know how to live anymore. It sounds so dramatic and cliché but I cannot describe it any other way. There was no more reason. To live. To love. Only reasons to die. I don’t know where the turnaround was but all of a sudden there was something to look forward to.

After that I booked a 6 month vacation from my life to Australia, to go back to the place where I started out. Just to try and run away from it all for a while. Until it all came back. I noticed that I can’t run away from myself and all the feelings that I still seem to have. I learned to love again on my trip. Learned how to live life happy again. Learned to smile and laugh and sleep alone again. But no matter how hard I try I couldn’t seem to erase you. How do I get past that? Do I even get passed the feeling that I just lost my soulmate? I know I am young and now is the time to be stupid, make mistakes, fall in and out of love so many times that I lose count, experience life and do all those things I dream about. Yet, it feels like you were my soulmate and that everybody after you is just a replacement, someone to fill out that lonely feeling with.

You send me messages still though. Every now and again and I would look at my phone in the morning and read something that would make me smile the whole day. Saying that you need me to come back to where I belong. To be in your couch next to you playing video games and discussing things we don’t even care about really but that we still talk about just because we want to hear each other’s voices for as long as possible. That you want to get to know me all over again because this time, it might be different. And even though that all sounds good – how do I know that you won’t leave again if the going gets tough for me again? I guess it doesn’t matter. I guess I will get past it someday. After all, you are my soulmate. And soulmates never die.

He who is not happy without money will never be happy with money. He would like to have more and more till he is mourned. - Bayo Oladeji

ph: ★illinifellow + IrinaH

Never allow life's hardships to weigh you down. No one can avoid problems. Not even saints or sages. We get better with hardships.  - Oyesoji Aremu

ph: ineedabettername

I need to stop loving you.

Because you are a gay man. Completely, utterly, flamboyantly, raging, out-of-the-closet gay. And I am a woman. And you will never love me the way I love you.

From the first moment I met you I knew you was gay. Our first conversation was about the guy you had brought home the night before. Not that I would have needed to hear that to guess. It’s obvious. You’ve known you were gay since you were 12, every one else has known since you were 13. You’ve never been with a girl because you were never interested in them.

I knew all this from the first week I met you.

We’ve talked a million times about you being gay. We’ve talked about how your parents don’t accept you, how much trouble you had at school, your first time and everything in between. You are just so comfortable with yourself. With everything. You have completely accepted everything about yourself.

We started off being best friends. I would come over and you would dye my hair and we would perv on the guy from Moulin Rouge. We would go shopping and you would pick out clothes for me to wear and we would hit on the shop assistants if they were cute. We would shotgun boys and pretend to be dating if someone creepy was hitting on us. We would cook each other dinner, wake each other up in the morning for class and walk each other home. We would stay over at each others places and wear just our underwear to bed in the summer and get changed in front of each other.

Things were just easy. Comfortable. Simple. I had someone I could talk to when I had a bad day, someone to have fun with, someone to be crazy with and someone to motivate me in class. And I was the same for you.

In class we acted together, playing lovers, because we were so comfortable together already it made sense.

That’s when it started. I already knew you were an attractive guy. A really attractive guy. But I just had never thought about you like that. You were you, my gay best friend. When I had to look at you through the eyes of a lover…well I guess that was the first time I really saw you. You were more than attractive. You were hot. You were gorgeous. You were handsome.

Our sex scene. Wow. Just wow. I’m still not sure if you realised I was blushing, or if you thought I was just flushed. Your hands running all over my body, your lips on my lips, your hot breath on my neck. And you being gay meant you weren’t afraid to go the distance, to make it believable, because it was make-believe. Isn’t that strange? It’s easier to fake it if you know its fake. Anyway, because we were so comfortable, because you were gay, because we were actors, whatever the reason our sex scene was… intense to say the least. Believable would be an understatement.

On opening night you invited your boyfriend to see the show. We did amazingly, two curtain calls and all. It was the best feeling. Then I watched you run out of the green room and into his arms. Running your hands over his body. Putting your lips on his lips. Your breath on his neck. And then it hit me. I was jealous. I was totally, soul-consumingly, heart-breakingly jealous. Over you and him. My gay best friend and his boyfriend.

I realised I liked you. I really liked you.

I thought it would go away. I was probably just feeling this way because of the show, all the extra practice time we had been putting in. I mean, I was pretending to love you for hours a day for weeks, it was bound to get caught up with my normal feelings eventually, right? Which meant that, after a couple of weeks, it would fade and things would be normal right? Right.

So I acted as if nothing was different, went on with the show then gave myself some space for a couple of weeks, just to be safe. Once I was sure I couldn’t have feelings for you anymore I sent you a text, asked you if you wanted to hang out. You said yes! You had missed me! That almost stopped me because I was so happy that you had missed me… but no, they were just friendship feelings, you’re my best friend of course I would be happy that you missed me. You were at home right this moment with your boyfriend would I like to come over? Yes of course I would. So I went. And there you were, smiling at me like, giving me the tightest hug, kissing me on the cheek. And there was your boyfriend, sitting on the couch. And then you went back to him, held his hand and patted the couch next to you, indicating I should sit.

I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. I made up some excuse, I don’t even know what it was, it can’t have been very good. But I couldn’t stay in there. Not with you holding his hand, not with you looking at him the way you do, not with you kissing him. I couldn’t do it.

I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. Then I sat. And I cried and cried and cried. I got home, I’m not sure how. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.

I was in love with someone who I have less than 0% of a chance with.

I was in love with my gay best friend.

Not just a crush, not just a physical attraction, but love. Love.

With you.

It’s been three months since then. Nothings changed. He told me last night that he thinks he is in love with his boyfriend. And I smiled and gushed over their last romantic date and told him how happy I was for him.

I’ve decided that I just have to accept that I am in love with someone that I will never have.

I’ve gotten pretty good at faking it, at making up fake guys so that he doesn’t notice that I haven’t given a guy a second look since our performance, helping him plan dates for him and his boyfriend, perving on guys that I guess are cute.

I still can’t see him with his boyfriend. That’s too hard. But I don’t think he’s noticed that whenever his boyfriend appears I disappear. He doesn’t notice a whole lot of anything else when his boyfriend is around.

He tells me about all the romantic things they do together, plays me “their song”, tells me their intimate details, asks for my opinion on what he should wear to their next date and every thing else in between.

I’m his best friend. In love with him or not. And that means I have a role to play. I have to be there for him. Whether it’s killing me or not. Because I am his best friend and I would do anything for him. Just like he would do anything for me.

I’m under no delusion that I could “turn him” or anything silly like that. I don’t want to break up his relationship, it makes him so happy. I don’t expect anything to ever happen.

But that doesn’t stop me from wishing it would. That doesn’t stop me from holding onto our hugs for a little longer, touching the spot where he kissed my cheek, reading over his texts.

Because even if I am his best friend and certain things are expected of me I still love him.

So this is my compromise. Pretending when I’m feeling low, accepting it when I’m not.

This way I can be in love with him and be his best friend.

It’s not ideal but it’s the best I can think of.

He is happy, ignorant, but happy. And that makes me happy.

He’s my best friend. I love him and he loves me. It might not be in the same way but he loves me with everything he’s got which is something. And something is better than nothing.

And at least when I’m upset I can call him and he will tell me I am amazing and beautiful and he loves me and would I like him to come over to keep me company and cuddle me all night?

…Yes I would.

Your life is a story. Each day you get to write a new page. So fill those pages with responsibility to  God, to others, and to yourself. If you do, in the end you will not be disappointed. - Author Unknown

ph: estheticcore

Our obedience to the Lord may seem insignificant in the big picture, but it breathes freshness and life into the spiritual atmosphere of every believer.  - David C. McCasland

ph: heddaselder

We didn't meet in an exciting way, there is no epic couple story in which he professes his love or we spend years apart only to find each other.
We met in a restaurant, where I worked, and through a friend
We spend a summer together
We fell in LOVE
We became a "us"
and then I went away to university 5 hours away
and We stayed an "us" and worked and grew and have become this amazing couple, the couple where when we are out and laughing our heads off over dinner or kissing in the street I can feel people staring, wishing they could have what we have
It is not to rub it in
It is too show that it does happen

and in our challenging long distance relationship or when spend it together. I spend the end of each night, thanking whoever I can for giving me this man, for saving my life for giving me a future.
I want to marry him, I want to be his wife
and i want to grow old
with a 1000 grandchildren and a wrap around porch

It does happen
It will be a year in April
and we met over a beer
It does happen

If you are conscious of the presence of God, you would be cautious of doing, or even thinking to do, any bad thing. - Bayo Afolaranmi

Hope is a seed God plants in our hearts to remind us there are better things ahead. - Holley Gerth

ph: oprisco + through a lens, darkly

Our hope is not mere speculation in what God might do. God has given His word on many areas of life regarding things He will do. We can have confident hope in everything that He has promised. - Henry Blackaby

ph: Tamarita Rocknroll

You’re perfect. Maybe a little bit too perfect for me.

But what does it take for you too trust me? I have done nothing wrong besides being the girl I was in the past. And even that wasn’t wrong! I was simply lost and did shit, real heavy shit. I have learned my lessons. Why can’t you see past that? Why can’t you see who I am now rather than who I was then? I like you, a lot. But I know that I won’t be able to open up myself too you if you still see the girl I was back then.

I can’t help it that I was the crazy drunken girl who gave myself to a couple of guys. I can’t help that you’ve always been a straight a student who never gets drunk and is still a virgin. You and me are total opposites. I am the total opposite of what you seek in a girl but still you like me and I you. Why can’t that be enough? Why can’t you just give me a chance?

/ Sl. Brod

If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy. - Anonymous

ph: yerinmok + CShayR

Need compassion? Need comfort? Go to God. He has an endless supply and is ready to pour it out on you in abundance. He is what we need in times of trouble! — Dave Branon

ph: Rogier Houwen

It was 9pm on a Saturday night when i received that text message.

And just like before, i thought nothing of it. I casually picked up the phone to see who it was, expecting it to be my mom or maybe a friend back at school, but it was you. My heart dropped down to my stomach and i felt that feeling you always gave me- you know that feeling when you aren't paying attention while driving and you almost hit the car in front of you or the feeling when you miss a step and think for a second you're going to fall forever? It's that kind of fear where for a moment you have no idea what is going to happen next and it's completely out of your hands.

Your contact wasn't even in my phone anymore, it had been a year and two months since I had forgotten your name, forgotten your face, and put behind the years of pain you caused. But i think i'll have those ten digits memorized until the day i die. It's strange how some things, little things, you'll never forget. At first it was an angry text. You cut me up and spit out words that were sharp as fangs- you were always good at that though. An okay lover, but an expert fighter. You knew how to make me feel worthless, hopeless, and flawed but mixed that with the perfect amount of love to keep me hanging on. You knew how to get to me and it was pathetic. I was pathetic. How many times had you done this before? Let's recap. We started out when we were young and we were wonderful for awhile, as most relationships are, but then it got to the point where i was stuck in a loveless relationship and you had me wrapped around your finger until you didn't want me anymore. You up and left and stepped all over my heart on the way out. I thought i was broken forever. A year passed and i finally picked up the pieces. I met new guys, i kissed new lips, i laughed at new jokes, and then out of nowhere- just like now- you came back to me. I wasn't as strong as i had pretended to be. I couldn't have been or else i wouldn't have given you another chance. Only fools do that.

It took two months for you to prove to me that you were no different as you had claimed to be. You were still manipulative, heartless, and the worst thing that could happen to me twice. Almost word for word you replayed our relationship and six months later you were out of my life again and I was hurt more than before. I hated myself for letting you back in, but i hated you even more. The hate sat in my heart for a long time and crippled me. I met an amazing guy and ruined him just because I was already broken, and you can't love a broken girl. Losing someone you love is the worst pain you can go through, i assure you that. I spent so many nights crying my eyes out in my bedroom, alone with nothing but the emptiness of the dark to hear. I spent so many mornings lifting a heavy heart out of bed and trying to start my day. I found flaws in perfect guys. I spent hours over analyzing everything until i became my own worst enemy - because after all you left me twice, it had to be me right? I wasn't perfect for you.

It took a long time but one day the unthinkable happened. I didn't wake up thinking of you. And with time i stopped crying, i looked forward to things, i stopped missing you, i appreciated sleeping alone, i had fun, i drank too much and made mistakes, i met new guys and got to know them instead of sleeping with them...I started to live for me. And then i met him. The most amazing thing to happen to me thus far. He was everything you weren't. He brought me flowers and gave me forehead kisses, he sent me text messages that reminded me how much he loved me, he went above and beyond for me and he made me feel beautiful. I couldn't have found a better boy to stitch my heart back together.

After that angry text that night followed the "i'm sorry text's", then the phone calls, then the drunk voicemails pouring your heart out. The one thing that stuck with me was this...you said..."I guess i thought no matter how many times i left, i'd always be able to come back." How in the world could you be that heartless? It's like you had a sense of when I was finally okay without you and that's when you'd come back, just for fun, to shake my world up. How could someone honestly just expect someone to wait around on someone? How could you believe that after hurting a heart so tragically, that it could possibly give you another chance? Did you think i'd feel bad for you?

And that's when it clicked. YOU are pathetic. I'm not. You're alone. You have no one to love and no one to love you in return. You search and search and admit every time you do, that you can't find someone like me. You settle for girls that you've known for years because they're the only ones that even want to be around you. And i hope it tears you apart. I hope karma give you what you deserve. I hope it kills you to see me with him. I hope it breaks your heart to know you lost me. I hope every drunk night you have to fight so hard to not text me or call me and beg. I hope suddenly your bed feels too big for one person. I hope you think of everything you did and realize what you threw away. I hope your one regret in life so far is not being a better man. I hope it eats you alive.

But you know what, i have to admit, in the back of my mind it's there.

In the back of my mind, i still wonder if this time around, we could have had our own delusional fairy tale.

There is the need to engage self in a constant evaluation to be in tune with our advancements or otherwise. An understanding of our current engagements would help us know if we are on track to destiny land or not. - Emmanuel Oloruntoba Arotile

ph: yellowbird + disasterofsorts

Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,
with the cross of Jesus going on before.
Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe;
forward into battle see his banners go!
- Sabine Baring-Gould

ph: weheartit

Longing for a hug has never made me feel like this before. It just seems to me incredibly pathetic to put a smile upon my face just by remembering his full name. To see those letters standing one behind another composing the word I love to see the most seems to give my heart a new rhythm, a new beating compass, something faster than anything I’ve ever seen. And I couldn’t feel any sillier than I already do, especially because all of these emotions are just so not meant to be felt.

Waking up to a bright new day has another meaning. It means I’m six hours behind on his schedule, it means I’m six hours late; It’s almost as if I’d been wasting time while I was asleep. Going to bed at 10pm doesn’t mean I’m going to bed early, means that I made him stay up till 4am, that I got him tired and if he doesn’t get a proper night of sleep, it’s gonna be my fault, without a doubt. Still, it feels so right trading days over nights just so I can see him typing silly things and wishing me better days when I say I’m going through bad times.

Such a friendship. Something that I’ve never had with anyone near me I now have with someone who lies thousands of miles away. It’s so weird to feel my cheeks automatically compressed in a corky smile whenever I see the little window show up warning me he’s online. How bad is that? I mean, how the hell did I ever become this dependent of someone who’s not even here? How could I ever let myself nourish a feeling for a being who’s most likely to never feel my touch and give me his touch in return? I just feel like the clock’s ticking, I’m frozen in time and I can’t do anything to make this ever work. My hands are tied, and it’s not like we can risk it all over a feeling which may go away somewhere between ‘Hello’ and ‘Goodbye’. Though I'm sure this feeling's not going anywhere.

The worst is not being able to say that. I gotta keep it to myself, all these crazy emotions that keep driving me insane at night. I’d never risk losing his friendship over a stupid misplaced ‘I like you and I want to know if you like me too’. Sometimes it hurts me knowing that if I keep talking to him I’ll never be free of this desire of being with him, being by his side.

And I really wouldn’t be surprised to find out I love him.

As a matter of fact, I already do.

ph: weepy hollow + sincerelyrukki